7 Stages of Separation After a Breakup

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.” – Jeannette Walls (Memoir “Glass Castle”)

According to Psychology Today, an end of a relationship follows the same stages as mourning death. Metaphorically, the death you’re mourning is the end of the future with them – it no longer exists. However, there’s a rebirth, a new beginning, when there’s death. The breakup process is shredding baggage to prepare you for a new reality. The process will be challenging if someone breaks up with you or you initiate the breakup.

The most important question before we get into the stages is, “How are you feeling?”. Based on the state of mind can help determine which separation stage you’re in. Is there a sigh of relief and freedom, or is there anger, guilt, sadness, or even regret?

The timeline of how long you should be in these stages may differ. You may feel a heavy load was lifted and think you’re ready to move on until an event or memory may trigger and throw you off course. Either way, it feels like an emotional roller coaster when you enter and move past these stages.

Let’s get into the seven stages:

1. Shock – “I can’t believe….”

The shock stage is our defense response to receiving bad news. During this phase, the body goes into freeze mode, and energy rises in the chest. You may feel tightness and experience a rapid pulse, and irregular breathing. When we’re in shock, our organs are not getting enough blood or oxygen, resulting in numbness. Women Health Magazine states, “Numbness can last anywhere from a few hours after the breakup to several weeks.”

Action Steps: When our body goes into fight, flight, or freeze, we need a system reset. Deep breathing exercises can reset your nervous system. Breathing deeply, with a slow and steady inhale-to-exhale ratio, will help calm the body down.

2. Denial – “Oh no, this can’t be the end.”

We enter the denial stage when the body comes out of shock and adjusts to reality. In this stage, we may think the other partner will return. We may contact them seeking further explanation or closure. “I don’t understand what happened. How can you do this to me? What did I do wrong?” We have high hopes of reconciliation instead of accepting there’s an end to the relationship.

Personally, the denial stage was one of the most challenging phases during my breakup. There were times when my ex would try to contact me. “Yeah, he’s coming back to me,” but instead, he called to pick up his belongings. The denial stages can last for days or even weeks.

Action Steps: Acknowledge that it’s over. Tempting to reach out to your ex after a few days, weeks or months is common; however, it makes moving on much harder. According to Elite Daily (2018), set a specific time when you won’t try to contact or talk to them. For example, set a “no contact” goal for two months. When you have reached your goal, set a new goal for another two months. You will be surprised to lose the desire to reach out. The next step is to remove any memories of them. Unfriend them on social media. Delete their phone numbers, text messages, and photos. And don’t forget, get rid of their belongings in your space.

3. Anger – “I’m going to get him/her back.”

The anger stage is when you look back at the situation and feel that life sucks and there’s injustice. You may resent your ex or even be angry at yourself for whatever reason. You must be careful in this stage that you don’t do anything you later regret.

During this stage, some may try seductive tactics to win them back. Beg or plead to give the relationship another try or try to make them jealous or seek revenge.

According to an article on SI, a woman gets revenge on her ex-boyfriend by destroying his fantasy football team. She login into his account and started dropping the players he drafted and then replaced them with players who are free agents.

If your ex left you for someone else, don’t take that anger on the other woman. There should be no stalking, spying, unannounced visits, or picking a fight with the ex’s new lover.

Action steps: Exercise some restraint no matter how betrayed you feel. Avoid chasing, stalking, or harassing the ex, including the third party. It’s normal to be angry; however, acting on “revenge can end up hurting the pursuit of justice more than they harm the betrayer” (Psychology Today, 2021). Anger gets energy moving and can motivate you to make healthy and proactive changes.

Release the pain by having a good cry and letting it last for days. You can also transmute that energy to activities you stopped pursuing while you were together. Begin with self-care activities, such as meditating, working out, and listening to soothing music. I enjoy soaking in the tub with healing salt, and crystals, burning incense and candles, relaxing, and listening to sound frequency, meditation music or positive affirmations.

4. Bargaining – “Maybe, we can just be friends?”

At this stage, the anger subsides, and you begin to obsess over details. You will imagine the “what of, could of, and should of.” During this stage, we crave emotional connection by winning them back or befriending them. We may even make excuses to see the ex-partner again.

Have you ever driven by their house to drop off a box of belongings in hopes of seeking closure? Instead, pack the belongings and have them shipped. Bargaining can lead to attachment to an emotional connection, comfort, and pleasure. Sometimes we can seek those connections from the ex’s children or family members.

Then we also reminisce about what happened in the earlier stages of the relationship that didn’t cause the breakup. We may suggest ways the partner can make changes to salvage the relationship, such as going to counseling to fix the relationship instead of healing ourselves.

Breakups and makeups usually happen during the bargaining stage. You and your partner may try to make it work and get back together, but shortly after, there’s another breakup. I have described the push and pull relationship in Episode #2, “11 Signs of a Karmic Relationship”.

Action steps: Acknowledge that life can be even better than before. We must remember why the relationship ended because trying to be friends with our ex only keeps the pain from the heartbreak fresh like an open wound.

Don’t compromise on anything that goes against your values, belief, and standards. There’s a situation with a woman who compromised to have an open relationship to get her ex back. But deep down inside, she wanted a monogamous relationship. Remember, it takes two to make the relationship work. If the other partner doesn’t want to take the necessary steps to reconcile the relationship, you will be wasting your time trying to fix it yourself. We must let it go.

5. Depression – “I will never meet anyone else!”

When the bargaining didn’t work, we entered the depression stage. We’re sad that the efforts to reconcile the differences weren’t reciprocated. The depression stage is when we realize that the relationship is done. We isolate ourselves and hide from friends and family – we don’t want to get out of the house and don’t wish to answer anyone’s calls. We either lose appetite, indulge in food, alcohol, drugs, or even smoke weed. Some want to get high, so they don’t have to feel the pain and face reality.

Action steps: Being sad is also expected because this is the stage of self-reflection. However, when it gets overwhelming, and you can’t resist the temptation of food, drug, and alcohol, seek professional guidance. These habits can be destructive and cause you to lose focus on day-to-day activities. It starts as tardiness, calling out sick, or getting fired in the worst-case scenario. It’s okay to spend some time alone for self-reflection but don’t ignore family and friends who check up on you. They are concerned and want to help. Social connections are a must after a breakup.

During my breakups, I was drawn to listening to sad music. But that didn’t help – it just made me even more depressed. I love K. Michelle and Mary J, but I can only listen to their lyrics during a different phase, not during the depression phase. I will start crying again. Instead, I listen to sound frequency and affirmation and get inspiration from motivational speakers.

Also, grounding is one of the most potent antioxidants. Try being outdoors, place your barefoot on the grass, or sit or stand against a tree. In one of my YouTube videos on “Signs of a Weak Heart Chakra,” I discussed how being in nature balances the heart chakra. If you haven’t seen it, there’s a link in the show notes.

How long you feel depressed after a breakup depends on the length of the relationship and the circumstances under which things ended. For example, a two-month relationship that ended is more manageable to heal than an end to a long-term relationship, such as divorce. However, when normal sadness after a breakup becomes clinical depression, seek professional help.

6. Acceptance – “It’s time to move on.”

The acceptance stage is the first step to healing. This stage is when you have accepted the fact there’s an end. Our thoughts and beliefs from “I will never find love.” Or “I will always to alone” shifts to having hope and believing there’s love somewhere out there for you and you’re ready to close the chapter. A study published in Psychology Today found that “most people start to feel better 11 weeks after a breakup. However, up to 15% suffer longer than three months”. (Lancer, Darlene, JD, LMFT).

Action steps: Acknowledge and understand why you got together, why it didn’t work, and it’s time to move on. Manage your daily task more effectively and be interested in new events and other people. Remember to be kind to yourself because the sun will shine bright again, and you will start to feel more like yourself.

7. Moved On – “I will be okay without my ex.”

In this stage, we have past acceptance and redirect our belief of trying to save a failed relationship to the possibility that we can move forward without our ex. You’re standing on top of the mountain, looking into the valley for new opportunities. You have accomplished a lot. You have accepted the loss, healed through the pain, disconnected energetically from your ex, and re-connected to a new version of yourself. You have finally let go. Congratulations!

You have forgiven them and yourself and recognized the mistakes from both sides. You are thankful for the good, bad, and ugly experiences. You have taken back your power.

Action steps: Continue with the self-love routine because it would be easier to find a new partner and have a fulfilled and happy relationship. I’m not saying your next relationship will be perfect. But it would be better than the last. Now, you have released the emotional baggage and tension that goes with it. Now you can start fresh.

We tend to jump into a new relationship before we get to this stage. What happens is you will attract the same ex in a different body.

That’s my upcoming episodes – Same ex in different bodies.

In conclusion, not all breakups are created equal. You will experience setbacks and may feel stuck in one stage longer than another. The time to heal from separation may take weeks or even months. Either way, don’t beat yourself up; treat yourself with kindness and trust there’s an end to the pain and suffering.

Thanks for listening. Until next time, happy healing and peace!

References:

Ross, Nan (2022). Signs of a Weak Heart Chakra | How to Balance Heart Chakra. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efN1h0nlw5A

Ross, Nan (2022). 11 Signs of a Karmic Relationship. https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/HTXrsE8OGub

Kromberg, Jennifer PsyD (2013). The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship

Blumberg, Perri O. (2022). The 13 Stages Of Every Breakup (And How To Make Each One Suck Less). https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a34223768/stages-of-breakup/

Piña, Christy (2018). How To Stop Being In Denial About Your Breakup So You Can Start Moving On. https://www.elitedaily.com/p/how-to-stop-being-in-denial-about-your-breakup-because-weve-all-been-there-13179266

Williams, Maddison (2022). Woman Gets Revenge on Ex-Boyfriend by Destroying His Fantasy Team. https://www.si.com/extra-mustard/2022/09/08/woman-gets-revenge-on-ex-boyfriend-by-destroying-his-fantasy-team

Gunther Ph.D., Randi (2021). How Angry Exes Seek Revenge. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/202108/how-angry-exes-seek-revenge

Lancer, JD, LMFT, Darlene (2020). How to Recover From Rejection and Breakups. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202007/how-recover-rejection-and-breakups#:~:text=Most%20people%20start%20to%20feel,%2C%20May%2DJune%202015.)