10 Reasons Why You Should Never Go Back to a Toxic Ex
In Episode 3, “The 7 Stages of Separation After a Breakup,” I discussed the denial and bargaining stages. Usually, in those two stages is when we start to think about rekindling our relationship with an ex. One reason is that the ex is like a powerful magnet pulling us inward and outward. I talked about “like attracts like” in Episode 4 “6 Reasons Why You’re Dating Someone Like Your Ex“.
During the healing process, you must reflect on the past toxic behaviors that cause the breakup and unhealthy relationship patterns.
I get it; you are still in love with them. You may have missed them. They can be the parent of our children.
But, when we yearn for companionship and love but are afraid to be alone, we return to our ex because it just seems familiar. So, we ignore that signs and behaviors.
Returning to an ex is a pattern, and it can be toxic if we don’t acknowledge the signs of the ex’s personality. If you understand the characters, you can repel these behaviors from the next potential suitor. Stop telling yourself you will be alone.
“As you think, so shall you be.” – Wayne Dyer
Here are some of the reasons why you shouldn’t go back to a toxic ex.
1. When they were chronic liars or lying by omission
When someone is a habitual liar, they’re untrustworthy. You can’t rely on their promises or their words. Let’s say your ex told you they had to work later, and you found out they were hanging out at the bar instead. The next time your ex has to “work late,” you won’t believe them because there’s an emotional trigger from the first lie. You’re calling them repetitively, trying to reach them, or even investigating. Now, your ex accuses you of not trusting and becoming a stalker.
Lying by omission is leaving out key details to hide the truth from others. You have probably heard someone say, “I didn’t lie, you never asked me, or I didn’t tell you.” That’s still toxic behavior.
Omitting the truth lacks transparency and destroys trust and safety in a relationship. An ex who lied or omitted the fact does it for three main reasons: fear, guilt, and shame. They were afraid that if they told you the truth, they would face some form of punishment, such as ending the relationship. They may be guilty of the actions that caused them to lie, and they can have shame due to embarrassment if they are caught.
Here’s an example: Let’s say you found out your ex had gonorrhea in the past. That’s not a deal breaker, but your ex didn’t tell you that they caught STD twice for sleeping around while they were married. Now, you are running to the clinic for a STD test. That’s lying by omission.
Skit:
Girl: “Your wife just called me. You lied to me.”
Guy: “How did l lie to you?”
Girl: “You told me you weren’t seeing anymore.”
Guy: “I haven’t seen my wife in months. She lives in New York.”
Girl: “But you never told me you were married.”
Guy: “But you never ask me if I was.”
If they lie to you about others, they are most likely lying to others about you.
2. They bring you down when you’re happy
“For everyone who seeks happiness, there’s someone who denies it exists”.
Plagued with jealousy, your ex was never happy for you when something good happened to you. They would get jealous when you have achieved something, leveled up, or overcome a battle or conflict. What about when you got that degree, your ex didn’t show up to your commencement or said your bachelor’s wasn’t good enough? What if you got that promotion, but your ex wanted you to hang up your career? They will tell you it’s not a good idea because you may be working long hours and won’t have time for them.
Putting someone down can seem as innocent as a joke. “I was just playing; you can’t take a joke.” I believe when someone says a negative remark followed by, “I’m just playing,” that’s some truth to their remarks.
When someone keeps bringing you down when you’re happy, your confidence diminishes. You will start to doubt yourself and question your actions, feelings, and reality with your partner and others. Who you surround yourself with will affect your self-esteem and self-worth. Being around people who are positive and love themselves will rub off on you.
Skit:
Girl: “Oh wow! I’m so proud of myself. Dinner was delicious.”
Guy: “Not as good as my steak from the last week.”
Girl: “I’m so super happy. I got my diploma in the mail today. See, look, baby.”
Guy: “Well, if you got your Master’s, like me, you could get better opportunities.”
3. They’re always the victim
Remember the first time you meant your victim? You had deep concerns about their struggles and wanted to show them you can love them well and help them overcome their victimhood.
I’m sure that didn’t work.
Ever wonder every time your ex paints a picture about their past relationships as “the crazy exes,” and you start feeling sorry for them? Think about it.
If your ex’s past lovers were crazy, what did your ex do to provoke it?
An ex with a victim mentality usually says, “I didn’t know” or “I didn’t do anything.” People don’t turn crazy for no reason. And most of the time, their ex isn’t that bad.
When your ex plays the victim role, they don’t want to take responsibility for the circumstances they created in their life. They never talk about what they did wrong. They are still holding onto grudges from past hurts. They get upset over minor things.
Do you want to go back to the victim mentality?
4. They blame you for everything
Your ex blames you for their unhappiness and can’t take responsibility for their actions. They may have this delusional belief that they do no wrong. “If you were satisfying me, I wouldn’t have cheated on you. So, it’s your fault.” Commonly, some people blame you for getting angry so they can have something else to complain about or justify their actions.
“See.. that’s what I’m talking about; look how you act.”
Your ex may have struggled with their decision to end the relationship but instead tried to come up with things to blame you for.
Or your ex is emotionally immature and can’t own up to their mistakes. Sometimes when you reason with them and point out their errors, they still refuse to listen. But they expect an apology from you. Sometimes, you may give in and apologize to squash it because it’s getting crazy and toxic, and you don’t want to disrupt the kids.
But unfortunately, it will happen again and again until this behavior changes.
5. They take but don’t reciprocate
A good relationship is about giving and taking, including your energy, time, and money however, if there’s a significant amount of unequal division of responsibility and contributions in the relationship or household, that’s a sign of all take but no give.
You may go out of your way to make plans or do something nice for your partner. You may be paying for everything; rent, mortgage, fining out, buying valentine, birthday, anniversary gifts that are costly. You’re saving a couple of paychecks to purchase high-ticket gifts they always wanted.
But what do you get? A card, or just dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse?
Some of you would say, “Well, they didn’t have enough money to buy me a gift.”
That’s BS.
If you calculate how much they pay for extracurricular activities, that’s no excuse.” Suppose they pay $25 for a bag of weed twice a week. Let’s do the calculation. $50 per week x 4 weeks, that’s $200. He can go to the Michael Kohl or Coach outlet and get you two designers bags.
You may even go the extra mile to bail them out of jail for something they know they should have taken care of; license suspended, car insurance lapsed, run from paying child support. There’s a warrant out for their arrest, and they got arrested.
“Baby, you got to get me out of here. I got to be at work Monday. I can’t lose my job. Baby, you know I love you. You’re the only person I got. “
So you are calling all the bail bonds trying to get him out. You’re tired as hell because you’re trying to get the money. Your family and friends won’t help because they said, “he ain’t sh*t anywhere.”
So, you finally got a bail bond to help, but they have to debit $250 every two weeks. So, you’re desperate because the household bill is short if he loses his job.
So, you bailed him out.
Two weeks later, the first payment bail bond payment is due. You say,
“Baby, I need help with the bond.”
He said, “I don’t have it. My check was short. They cut my hours.”
The fourth week rolls around.
“Baby, I need help.”
“Damn, baby. I’m doing the best I can. I got to pay my cell phone bill,” he says in an irritated mood. “I got to keep my phone on. I’m trying to look for another job.”
Now, they want to avoid paying back the bond. But you want to avoid rocking the boat to ensure he shows up for court.
When someone doesn’t reciprocate, follow their lead and take your power back.
6. They are abusive
It usually starts with hostile communication, such as yelling, slamming doors, throwing and breaking things, and punching holes in the walls. Or when you try to walk away from them, they stand in your way.
Or there’s the silent treatment or constantly interrupting you. They listen for the opportunity to respond but don’t try to understand your viewpoint.
An abusive partner will threaten to take away or destroy anything part of your livelihood or items you hold dear to your heart.
If you love your home:
They would say, “If you walk out that door, I’m going to change the lock.”
If you love your car:
They would threaten you, “If you try to leave, I’m going to slash your tires.”
If you love work and your hustle:
They try to control you, “If you don’t listen to me, I’m going to destroy your laptop.”
Usually, they come back apologizing. But it doesn’t stop. After a couple of hostile behaviors, eventually, it becomes physical. Once they put their hands on you, it’s a wrap. It will happen again.
I went through these same types of behaviors. So, don’t go back and leave them immediately if you’re in an abusive relationship. Go to a friend or family member’s house and call the domestic violence hotline to get help. Never say he won’t go that far.
My baby sister uttered those same words; I lost her due to domestic violence; she was only 27.
7. They violate your boundaries
Ignoring when you say “no” or doing the opposite of what you’ve requested is a sign your ex is ignoring your boundaries. Boundaries are essential to your personal space and safety.
Has your ex taken your belongings without asking? For example, your ex probably takes your car without asking and returns it on empty. Or your ex took your phone to snoop around. Or did your ex borrow money from you but never return the funds?
Or have your ex touch you in an unwanted way. For example, they tried to grab and forcibly kiss you during a heated argument. These are all examples of your ex crossing the line.
I don’t like to express something very important or dear to me, and they change the subject. No one wants to be disrespected or treated rudely.
When someone violates or ignores your boundaries, immediately bring it to their attention.
8. They don’t respect your time
It’s nothing wrong when you and your partner make plans, but it was canceled due to unforeseen circumstances. However, when they regularly flake on you, that’s toxic. They were unreachable when you tried to call them. They send you to voicemail regularly. They need to show up to family events. They are inconsistent with their promises. First, they say, “Baby, I promise I will be there,” and don’t show up for weak reasons.
And if they do show up, they bail out early with some excuse that they’re tired and ready to go to bed. But as soon as they get home, they play video games.
They want everything to happen on their schedule. They will wait until the last minute to get ready. Let’s say your ex borrowed your car to go the work and promised to pick you up at 5 pm. At 5:30, your ex doesn’t roll up. So you text them. They say I’m 10 minutes away.
Now it’s 6:30 pm, and you’re in the break room playing Candy Crush, waiting on their arrival. Then they wonder why you have an attitude when you get in the car.
9. They use the money to control you
They give you money when they want something from you but withhold it when upset with you. They may have the responsibility to pay a bill every month. Or they have agreed to pay for your manicure, pedicure, and eyebrows waxed every two weeks.
But when there’s an argument or disagreement, they’re unreachable. You’re calling, and they send you to voice mail. And when you finally reach them, they have an attitude like you disrupt their precious moments. Now, they rehash the argument you both had weeks ago because they are still mad and hold a grudge.
Or, if you share a bank account, they can be devious and spend money allocated to household bills, and now there’s an overdraft.
You’re stressed and have to work overtime or hustle money to cover the non-sufficient bills.
Do you want to deal with that drama again?
10. They’re lazy
Did they avoid household chores? Do you have all the responsibilities, such as washing the dishes, taking the garbage out, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, and cooking? Are you the designated person to call the handyman to repair or replace faulty appliances?
But they sit on the couch watching television or playing games and never lift a finger. Or do they leave a mess around the house after you clean or leave dishes in the sink after you just put them in the dishwasher?
If both of you had full-time jobs, they must share household responsibilities.
In conclusion, would you deplete your energy to deal with someone whose toxic behaviors hinder your happiness? If your ex asks to rekindle the relationship, they return for a selfish reason – they miss how you tolerated their behaviors.
Thanks for listening. Until next time, happy healing and peace!
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