My Breakup Story

Lady of Life – Thank you. I’m excited to get you interviewed and your story out there. Yes. So the first question is: 

Why did you stay in a toxic relationship for 15 years? 

Nan Ross – Well, I was kind of toxic too. But you have to think about it. Initially, we weren’t toxic when we first got into the relationship. But when we got on each other’s nerves, he would give me the silent treatment for days. It became a normal behavior. So toxic people get what with other toxic people. And most likely, we stayed in a relationship because it felt normal. So there were times when I had to defend myself. As a domestic violence survivor, it’s not like he was beating the hell out of me, and I was sitting there, allowing him to do that. No. I fought back. 

But it got to the point where I couldn’t because he was so much bigger than me. He was under the influence of drugs, and it got to the point where I had to become passive, but it didn’t help. It just made him angrier. But it took me a long time to break that habit of accepting the behavior.

I thought that it was normal to fight in my relationship. Yeah. If you love that man, you will go through thick and thin. You’ll go through whatever it takes to try to save the relationship. That was one reason. 

And it’s a dysfunctional way of thinking. Yeah. But you know, I was so young. We got married at 19. 

The other reason is having unrealistic expectations of relationships. I thought I had to fight for my man because he had multiple side chicks. I thought I better protect my man. I can’t let no other woman take him from me. 

So, that was something that I thought was normal, even though I didn’t see that type of toxic behavior growing up with my parents. Yes, they had fights, don’t get me wrong, my mom didn’t play.

But we were pulling knives, throwing things at each other around the house, and I was throwing weights/barbells at him. We were so angry at each other. One day, we had a big argument, and he ran out of the house and jumped in the car. I ran after him, and as he drove off, I jumped on the vehicle’s hood. But that didn’t stop him. He abruptly stepped on the brakes, and I flew off the car. Hit my head on the concrete a few inches from the dumpster. It was crazy. 

The other reason was, of course, insecurities. I had this fear of rejection. I thought if we broke up, I would be a single mom, which was one of my biggest fear. I would look like a failure if my relationship didn’t work out.

I got married to my twin sister, and if her marriage worked and I got separated, it would look like I failed. So I didn’t want to be alone, you know? It was so much anger, resentment, and revenge.  

We had “tit for tat” type of relationship. You cheated on me? I’m going to cheat on you too. Or, you accuse me of cheating, I will do it. So it was childless behaviors that made me stay in a “misery love company” relationship. 

So those were the reasons I stayed that long. Plus, we were struggling financially, and it would be worse if I were on my own. I had these self-sabotaging beliefs that I could not make it without a man. My mother even told me, “You’re not going to make it without your husband.” 

And, you know, even though I still left him, I had this fear. After months and years, we ended up getting back together when I got a new apartment. I had the “what if I lose my job?” or “what if I can’t pay the bills” and “what if I get evicted?”

So I was making up all these excuses and scenarios that didn’t exist but eventually manifested.  

Does that make sense?  

Lady of Life: Yeah. It makes a lot of sense, especially in relationships where you don’t know how to get out. So it’s understandable.  

Lady of Life: What were the red flags that you have noticed? 

Nan Ross: Oh, wow. Well, the silent treatment was the first one I noticed before we got married. He would give me the silent treatment for days when we had arguments or disagreements. After marriage, days turned into weeks. So imagine living with someone who’s supposed to be your other half, your spouse, and you’re not talking. So he’s in another room. I don’t know why we got a two-bedroom apartment. The second bedroom is where our lizards stayed. I don’t understand why we spent money on a two-bedroom apartment, but I guess that was his way of staying away from me. 

I was like, damn, am I that bad? When I tried to give him a hug and kiss, he would push me away and say, “Stop, you’re making me hot?”

I would ask, “You’re not attracted to me anymore?” 

“You don’t love me anymore?” 

So those were the signs.  

I had insisted that we talk to the elders in the congregation or go to counseling. But he didn’t want to go. We spoke to the elders in the congregation. They provide spiritual guidance, and I was willing to try to work on the marriage, but it takes two to make it work. 

The second red flag was “Dear Keisha.” Just a few days before the wedding, I found a letter he had written to his ex-girlfriend. 

I was 16 when I first met him, and he broke up with his girlfriend over an argument and asked me to go out with him. When he told me, I was shocked and insisted he should work things out with his girlfriend. 

Anyway, three years later, I found this letter in his top dresser…Now, I wasn’t snooping. I was helping my fiance move his things into our new apartment after the wedding. 

Yeah. We are all here together. Exactly. So this letter I found basically said, “Dear Keisha, I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I made a big mistake. I miss you, and I will always love you….blah blah

I’m like, Oh, hell no. I cried and tore the whole room apart. I took the ring off, and I threw it at him.

“Well, if you love Keisha, go marry her.” 

You know what? He first said, ” Why are you going through my stuff? 

And I’m like, “dude; we are about to get married. We’re not supposed to be hiding anything, but obviously, you were hiding your feelings.” So to make a long story short, I initially called off the wedding until my family talked me out of it. They felt it would be an embarrassment to the family since they were coming into town to see a double wedding, and one of the twins would not be walking down the aisle. 

He apologized and cried. He got on his knees, begging for forgiveness, whatever. He’s always crying when he does something wrong. 

“Baby, please, baby. Baby, baby, please!” Giggles! 

The other red flag was the night of the wedding. He dropped me off at the hotel because he had to take one of his boys who flew in from New York to the airport.

He didn’t come back until hours later, and we were only 20 minutes from the airport.  

On our wedding night? 

He came in and took a shower, but there was no telling what he was doing. But anyway, he took a shower and came to bed. He slept for a few hours and woke me up for sex. But the following day, he wanted to open up the wedding cards. 

I said, “For what?” 

He said, “Your family got money and put it there. Let’s see how much money is in there.” 

And I said, “Why now?” 

He said, “Well, we are late on rent.” So, Yeah.

After a year of marriage and having our son, that’s when the cheating was blatantly in my face. Multiple side chicks. They called my job and said, “You know, I got your man right now?” 

Lady of Life: Wow! It sounds like you’ve been through some interesting situations. 

Nan Ross: Oh, Girl! I mean, it was my life. Have you ever heard of the dark night of the soul?

Lady of Life: Yes.

Nan Ross: I’ve been through that a couple of times in my life. It happens every year or so.  

Lady of Life: You’ve mentioned before that you’ve been through two divorces and other situationships. What positive lessons do you think you’ve learned from them?  

Nan Ross: Oh wow. I learned a lot. I’ve learned it’s okay to let go. My biggest fear was to let go. My biggest fear was rejection and abandonment. 

I’ve realized that all people don’t stick around, and not all relationships last forever. It was hard to let go of someone I loved but who did not love me back. He would swear and tell me how much he loved me. But it wasn’t love. It was more of the “love of control” versus loving who I am.

Because if he loved me, he wouldn’t hurt me the way he did. 

I’ve also learned to let go of dependency. He taught me how to be financially independent.

So that’s my lesson here on this planet, as far as my karmic lesson, is not to depend on other people to satisfy my financial and emotional needs. 

I’m not saying, “Oh, I don’t need a man.” Everyone should be self-sufficient in some form of fashion.

The other lesson is to let go of obsessive relationships. So, back to the toxic and dysfunctional relationship I’ve been in, it was very obsessive and addictive. That’s why I keep going back. I didn’t realize it was more detrimental not only to my health but even to my son.

My second husband taught me how to overcome the fear of rejection. He taught me a lot about spirituality, which is crazy. To this day, I give him kudos. That’s why I do care for him because he was the one who showed me that we had a look beyond our five sensors – to look beyond the physical realm.  

My second ex used to say all the time that a black woman is closer to God. So encourage me to get into meditation, Reiki healing, Crystal healing, and Kundalini yoga. I was initially scared to learn this stuff because it was against my religious belief.

But once he showed me how to tap into my sixth sense, I could manifest just about anything I wanted. Create a new reality. 

Oh, another lesson, too – overcoming the fear of crisis. My son was going through a high-profile case in Florida, which was all over the news daily. It was the worst feeling a mother could experience. But, I realized that I had to have the strength, and if it weren’t for my second husband, I wouldn’t have kept my sanity. He was very supportive. But you know, it didn’t work out. But that’s another story. 

Lady of Life: Describe your healing journey after your divorces. 

My second ex-husband got me into mind science. So mind science is exploring the vast potential of the human mind. And as a child, I’ve always been in science. How can I be a genius? How can I be a female Einstein? How to tap into my inner genius. What can I do to be more innovative and thoughtful? 

Since I had that obsession as a child, I returned when I moved to Florida to learn how to heal my pain. I also got into the energy healing modality. Crystals Healing helped me when I was going through issues with my son. It was a lifesaver.

A couple of years later, I got into EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), tapping to help release energy blockage. Then it was NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). I was fascinated with the mind. I was learning how to reprogram the subconscious mind to change reality and for Healing. 

I was big into the Law of Attraction since it works. The Law was just about thinking about what you want to manifest, but I’ve learned that practice also involves our emotions. Emotions are energy. The heart and the mind must be incoherent to shift our reality or change the cells. 

I also got into meditation, and then suddenly, I noticed a tremendous shift in my thoughts, behaviors, and belief, basically my reality.

I was dipping and dabbling in so many different energy healing modalities, but I needed to focus on a consistent practice I could do every day and then test the results. So I was more of a scientist. Right? 

The idealogy is similar to the task of a computer programmer. As an IT developer, I had to create scripts for dynamic output results. I have to code the script and perform the test. And then, if there are any glitches or errors, I must go back and make the change. And that’s what I have been doing for the last eight years. 

I was going through a separation from my second marriage during my spiritual journey. I was stressed and unhappy. 

And then, I started practicing self-love affirmation; every day when I’m in traffic—affirming and feeling the love. And the next thing I knew, I got an email from someone I had worked with years ago. I’m talking about almost ten years before that. He told me there was an opportunity in Atlanta and that I would be a perfect fit for the position. And it was just like so crazy. 

The universe said, “Girl, you need to get out of that relationship because I told you he’s not who he says he is.”

To make a long story short, I moved back to Georgia and got the job two months later. It was a significant increase in my salary, and I was utterly stunned.

People started noticing a shift in my life – I was happier and more talkative. I returned to my childhood hobbies, such as drawing, painting, arts and crafts, roller skating, playing games, and traveling. I have changed as a person. And then, I decided to share my energy-healing knowledge to the world.

I started a website, created an online course, and published a book on Money Healing. If anything, my relationships sucked, but my money looked good, so I could at least help others heal their money wounds.

It’s so ironic how things happen for a reason because I just went through another breakup over a month ago, and I realize it’s time for me to heal energetic attachments from past heartbreaks. But this time, I’m learning from my mistakes. Now, it’s okay to let go and heal to break the cycle of certain behaviors.

Currently, I’m going through that healing process. So, I created this podcast because when you retell your breakup story repeatedly to family and friends, they will eventually get tired of hearing it. Let’s be honest!

I won’t have a deaf ear to my audience’s stories on this platform because I’ve been through it all. I want to build a community of ladies, healers, therapists, and counselors who can offer advice.

Yes, the podcast and the Facebook group is the vehicle to talk about our heartbreaks and bring those emotions to the surface instead of suppressing them. Black women, especially single mothers, carry a heavy weight of the world on our shoulders, and sometimes, we’re tired of being strong. 

It’s okay for us to release. It’s okay for us to be angry. But we need to talk about it, feel the emotions and take the necessary steps toward Healing.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and we must stop blaming our mishaps on others.

We must ask ourselves, “What lessons have we learned from the heartbreaks?” “What are some of the mistakes or behaviors that contributed to the breakup? It’s about accountability. 

Then we need to take the action steps of implementing a daily healing routine. Just like you get up, shower, apply your makeup, curl your hair, and brush your teeth. A healing practice should also be part of our daily lives.

My purpose here in life, and I thank Jehovah God for wanting me to go through those major crises to learn not only how to bounce back and be resilient but also teach others how to do the same. 

I feel so much better just releasing all of that! Woo, woo, woo, woo. But anyway, thanks, everyone, for listening. 

Happy Healing, Love and Peace!

▶Subscribe to the Breakup Club Podcast on Spotify

▶Join the Breakup Club Podcast Facebook Group

▶Join the Breakup Club Podcast Email List